'I'm ok, you're ok' - the foundation of healthy relationships
March 21, 2021
Following on from episode 15 we explore further ideas from Transactional Analysis.
In this episode you'll learn:
- how to be more empowered in your relationship
- how to help your partner feel more empowered
- the drivers behind our behaviour
- to understand why your partner behaves and communicates in the way they do
Discover how transactional analysis can help you and your relationships in this episode.
We talk about the 'Ok Corral' - which describes the different positions we can take in life. The position 'I'm ok, you're ok' describes a healthy stance where we think well of ourselves and of other people. Couples often get into a position of 'I'm ok, you're not ok' blaming their partner. 'I'm not ok, you are ok' describes a person who doesn't think highly of themselves, lacking self belief and confidence. The most challenging position that couples can be in is one where both partners think 'I'm not ok, you're not ok.' These couples experience high levels of depression and hopelessness.
Another useful concept from TA are 'drivers'. This is conditional behaviour that we learned in order to be ok. Drivers are messages such as 'Be Strong', where a person believes that they are not allowed to be vulnerable and can't express feelings. If you are in a relationship with a partner who follows this driver you might struggle to know what is going on emotionally with them . On a positive note this driver can enable us to be stoic or resilient in the face of adversity.
Other drivers we explore are 'Be Perfect', which might create a lot of pressure on a person and lead to idealisations of others. 'Hurry Up' is a driver that forces you to get things done quickly. You might often be stressed and don't allow much time for resting constantly feeling the pressure to perform.
'Try Hard', is driven by anxiety that you never please anybody. Frequently you have been in the role of mediator in your family. It presupposes that someone needs to put in a lot of effort to succeed.
'Please Others' is a driver where you try to be the 'good' girl/boy/person. This might lead to a fear of and subsequent avoidance of raising difficulties or conflict. You always have to be nice to be liked by others.
All drivers have positive and negative sides. It helps to bring them into your awareness and to develop ways of challenging your drivers. We briefly discuss 'antidotes' to these drivers. How can you challenge your driver(s)?
Find out more on our website at therelationshipmaze.com
Another useful concept from TA are 'drivers'. This is conditional behaviour that we learned in order to be ok. Drivers are messages such as 'Be Strong', where a person believes that they are not allowed to be vulnerable and can't express feelings. If you are in a relationship with a partner who follows this driver you might struggle to know what is going on emotionally with them . On a positive note this driver can enable us to be stoic or resilient in the face of adversity.
Other drivers we explore are 'Be Perfect', which might create a lot of pressure on a person and lead to idealisations of others. 'Hurry Up' is a driver that forces you to get things done quickly. You might often be stressed and don't allow much time for resting constantly feeling the pressure to perform.
'Try Hard', is driven by anxiety that you never please anybody. Frequently you have been in the role of mediator in your family. It presupposes that someone needs to put in a lot of effort to succeed.
'Please Others' is a driver where you try to be the 'good' girl/boy/person. This might lead to a fear of and subsequent avoidance of raising difficulties or conflict. You always have to be nice to be liked by others.
All drivers have positive and negative sides. It helps to bring them into your awareness and to develop ways of challenging your drivers. We briefly discuss 'antidotes' to these drivers. How can you challenge your driver(s)?
Find out more on our website at therelationshipmaze.com