May 10, 2019
PARENTING IS A THANKLESS JOB
I there’s one thing I know about parenting them, it’s that it’s not just a thankless job – it’s one where I’m being critiqued. Often, and harshly.
I want to give you a super huge reminder that you are doing a great job with your kids. You totally don’t suck at it – no matter what they’re telling you.
And while that might sound funny and very tongue in cheek (cause it kinda is) I know that there’s a voice inside you that’s probably wondering – “really? are you sure?”
And my answer is YES, YES, YES!
THE VOICE IN YOUR HEAD
I know about that part of you because I have it too. (I actually talk about it in episode 9 & episode 10, if you want to hear more about it.) The more isolated I am, and the busier I am, the louder that voice gets in my head. And when I have conflict or friction with my teens – regardless of where it’s coming from or why – that voice seems to scream loudest of all.
I’ve found that the best way to combat that voice is to be intentional. With my thoughts, and with my actions.
Given that this is something that’s ongoing for me, I thought I’d share how I handle those moments when I hide out in my room, wondering if, in fact, I’m ruining my teens’ lives.
YOUR THOUGHTS
First, remind yourself of what’s developmentally appropriate in teens. Seriously, having this information, about why your teens are acting like they do can be invaluable. If you’re not sure what I’m talking about, check out episode 35 & episode 36, or download my free ebook at theishgirl.com/ebook. I do a deep dive into it with my friend Tami Schow. The big idea though is that knowing they are separating from you and becoming their own selves in the only way they know how (until you teach and model otherwise) is super helpful and gives you that extra push of patience when you need it. This is especially true for me when I’ve made a big-time mistake. They don’t have the brain development or emotional capacity to always know when – or how – to have grace. Especially when it’s the parent they expect to be perfect who’s disappointed them.
Second, take some time to be intentional with your self-care. (You can check out episode 27 if you want some ideas and direction.) I know myself well enough to realize I need regular time alone to process – for me, it’s usually journaling, taking a nap, or (of course!) reading a good book. It’s super important to figure out what that looks like for you – and understanding that it will help you be a better parent if you practice it. I must admit, sometimes my self-care is escaping my teens for a little while, so I can regroup and clear my thoughts.
ACTIONS
Assessing how you’ve been in your interactions with your teens is another way to wrench yourself from feeling like you suck at parenting them. Ask myself questions like; have I been actively listening to them? Have I checked in to see what’s going on in their friendships? Their academics? Am I affirming and validating their concerns?
Also, making sure you’ve spent quality one on one time with them – for me, this is a lot harder now that my teens in high school rather than middle school – it’s not as easy to have “dates” with them as it used to be, but we try to connect a couple of times a month to stay plugged in.
Another action to take is leaning into your village. (For more on villages, check out episode 28) Those people who know you AND your teens and love you all. For me, that looks like reaching out to a good friend (again - one I know loves my teens regardless of how they act right now) and run the current situation by them. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been encouraged and affirmed, but also – because we are committed to being honest and encouraging the best version of each other – calling me out for being unreasonable or unfair. Not sucking, mind you – just misstepping. Just a side note here – make sure some of the people in your village are a few steps further along in the parenting game. Really be intentional in cultivating your relationships with fellow parents in the trenches – and be that person for someone else too. Especially the ones a few steps behind you.
BONUS:
Reconciling if you’ve been in the wrong – apologizing and making amends OR explaining why you made the choice you did. To me, this “Bonus #6” is probably the most important of all. It’s having the humility to admit you were wrong/made a mistake and it’s modeling how to do that for your teen, OR it’s explaining what you want for your teen and why you’re good with what you did to get them there. And then modeling for them what it looks like to agree to disagree or to change their position with grace and dignity.
So, that’s the process.
- Remind yourself what’s developmentally appropriate in your teens.
- Practice some good self-care.
- Assess how you’ve been interacting with them.
- Spend some quality one-on-one time with them.
- Reach out to your village.
- Reconcile by apologizing or explaining your actions/choices.
Please know that you do not suck at parenting your teen! How do I know? Because the people who DO aren’t actually wondering if they do. The fact that you’re asking yourself that question means that it’s an automatic no.
FREEBIE!
I want to go back to the beginning for a second and focus on the fact that sometimes our teens are our harshest critics. If that’s something you’re struggling with, I have a great freebie that will walk you through a conversation you can have with your teen. It’s a quick flow chart that will help you out with what to say and how to say it. You can grab it here.
WRAP UP
I really can’t express how much I want to encourage you on this journey with your teen. It can be tough in the trenches, especially when you’re feeling isolated or lonely. Know that you are a better parent that you think you are, and you are doing amazing things in the lives of your teens.
I’d love for you to reach out and share how YOU know you don’t suck as a parent of teens. You can find me on Facebook or Instagram, or you're welcome to leave a comment below. But the BEST way to contact me is to join my weekly email list and replying to one of my emails. I respond to those personally, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE hearing from you.
Download "When Your Teen is Your Harshest Critic: A Conversation Guide"