Oct 25, 2019

Arguments and Confrontation and Frustration, Oh MY!

I don’t know about you, but I really hate confrontation. Whether it’s with Philip, my husband, or with one of my teens, it is not something I enjoy. But like most families, we’ve had our fair share of arguments.

When Philip and I were first married, the whole conflict thing was really hard. We learned quickly that there’s a difference between arguing to win versus arguing to find a solution or resolution.

Arguments and Boundaries

We’re made definite strides since then, and once we had the kids, we really tried to nail down some guidelines for when we disagree. I don’t know that we’ve done it well, but we have tried to keep some boundaries in place. Ours look like this:

• No name-calling
• We use our words not our hands (this is a given)
• We work for solutions, not for a “win”

And, especially when the kids were younger, whenever Philip and I argued were consistent in reassuring them that we still loved one another. The same for when we were angry with them – “I love you very much and I’m very angry at the choice you made,” was something they heard often.

Now that Patrick and Phoebe are teens, I’ve come to terms with the fact that it’s developmentally appropriate for them to argue. It’s not fun, nor is it easy, but it is to be expected.

Modeling Healthy Arguments

It’s my job as their parent to model what healthy disagreements look like. And to embrace the fact that it is healthy and preferable for our kids to see strongly opinionated parents hashing things out in a loving, respectful way (that might sometimes include raised voices.)

It’s not something that’s come easily to us; we’ve had to work at it and practice, and we’re always learning.

I wanted to share some of the things we’ve learned so far. And please hear me when I say we’re a work in progress – we’re practicing these things; we haven’t yet mastered them.

This Is Your Brain in an Argument

Okay, first, it helped us to understand how the brain works during an argument or confrontation. This is something I talked about in Episode 41, called the “fight, flight, or freeze” response. It’s probably something you’ve heard of before, but just in case, here’s what happens:

1. You’re faced with something that signals “danger” to your brain. Only, instead of a wild animal chasing you, it’s actually your teen expressing displeasure. In a very attacking way. And probably loudly.
2. Your prefrontal cortex – the part of your brain in charge of decision making and moderating social behavior – goes completely offline.
3. Your amygdala takes over – it’s part of your brain’s limbic system and mediates many aspects of emotion and memory.
4. It passes along the “danger” information to other areas of the brain and to the endocrine system.
5. These other areas trigger the “fight, flight or freeze” response.
6. Your heart may pound, you might start breathing rapidly, and you may start to sweat.

Sometimes this reaction happens more quickly than our “thinking brain” (prefrontal cortex) can process what’s happening. Which is useful if you see a car speeding toward you and you jump out of the way before you can even think about it. Not so useful if you’re dealing with an argumentative teen.

Because unless you’re using your prefrontal cortex, you’re going to be hard-pressed to ask good questions.

Argument Solutions

So, what’s the solution? Getting yourself out of the fight, flight, or freeze mode. And that’s going to look different for everyone. This is where the previous episode - #41 – I mentioned comes in handy. It’s got lots of great tips on how to calm yourself.

For our purposes today, just know that it’s key to recognize when you’re in that fight, flight, or freeze state and HOLD OFF on trying to have a meaningful conversation until you can think clearly. Whether that looks like deep breathing or a time-out is dependent on your circumstances.

Obviously, for you teachers out there, I know putting yourself in a time-out isn’t usually an option, but you might consider waiting until the end of class to talk to a student or having them come in during lunch or after school to chat.

Once you’re clear-headed, think about the situation at hand with curiosity. Which means asking questions.

Here’s What Matters (and What Doesn’t) in an Argument

But, before you ask any question, you need to keep a couple of things in mind. I’m just going to touch on this, and if you want to know more, you can check out last week’s episode (#62).

1. Tone matters – remember: curiosity, not inquisition. And leave any snark out of it.
2. Energy matters –Changing your language and your energy can go a long way when you’re faced with a teen who’s (as we say in Texas) “loaded for bear.” If you’ve truly gotten out of fight, flight, or freeze, your energy will be calm and self-controlled
3. Location matters – DO NOT have this discussion in front of an audience – one or both of your responses will be highly influenced, and you both might feel backed into a corner as you try to save face
4. Being “right” does NOT matter – sometimes it’s better to be kind than to be right – not in every case, but in some

Then, depending on the situation, think about what will create a connection and move you toward a solution or resolution.

Examples for Teachers and Parents

For instance, if a student is arguing with you after you’ve called them out for disrupting the classroom in some way, you, of course, need to stop the disruption. Once you’re calm, let yourself be curious about the student’s motivation. Asking a question like, “Help me understand what’s going on right now?” or “What’s keeping you from listening quietly while I talk to the class?”

Then, really listen. (Again, more on this in Episode 62)

The same goes for parents. Let’s say your teen is arguing with you about something you’ve asked them to do. First, make sure you are calm – this may mean sending them (or yourself) to a different room until you’re back in thinking mode. Once you’re using your prefrontal cortex, again, you’re aiming for a curious energy rather than an authoritarian one.

Talk to your teen with the intent of understanding and connection, using questions like “Help me understand why you’re refusing to wash the dishes/fold the laundry/take out the trash?” or “What’s keeping you from doing the things I’m asking you to do?”

Now, in both cases, you might not get an answer that feels “acceptable” in the moment. But what you will have done is made your teen reflect on their behavior. Which means that next time, they might make a different choice. And if not next time, maybe next year, or the year after that, it will all click.

One of the things that I struggle with is letting a confrontational moment like this go, without resolving it immediately. But this isn’t about “winning” in the moment – it’s about connecting in the long-term and teaching them how to evaluate and modify their own behavior.

The Ultimate Goal

In moments like these – ones of conflict and stress – it is so easy to forget that our goal is not controlling our teens' behavior so that things go the way we want it to.

Telling them that disrupting class or refusing to do chores is wrong and forcing them to comply might work in the short term, but we’re playing the long game.

Our objective is that they learn how to think about the choices they make and why they’re making them. Eventually, when they’re not with us – especially when they’re adulting on their own - they know how to make good choices because they know how to think for themselves.