Oct 18, 2019

Why Use Connection Questions?

What would it look like if you could meaningfully connect with your teens whenever you wanted to?

It’s an intriguing question isn’t it, whether you’re a teacher or a parent.

How about this one:

What would it look like for the teens in your life to come visit you in twenty years and tell you what an impact you made on them?

I don’t know about you, but questions like that grab me in the gut and make my mind race, imagining the possibilities.

Now, pay attention to what’s happening in your brain when I ask this:

What was the name of the actress of your favorite movie in high school?

Is your mind shuffling through your memories, trying to remember that favorite movie and who starred in it? Or did you know the answer right off the bat?

Either way, your brain was triggered by the QUESTION, and went to work right away.

That is because QUESTIONS have power. When you figure out which ones to ask – especially with your teens – you have an unlimited capacity for influencing and connecting.

The Power of Connection Questions

But before we get to that lofty goal, let me explain WHY connection questions pack such a punch.

It has everything to do with the brain, and what happens when it receives a question. First, you need to know that, according to author David Hoffeld, “. . . science has proven that [questions are] an effective tool for strengthening connections between people and gaining influence.”

He also shares that “Questions trigger a mental reflex known as “instinctive elaboration.” When a question is posed, it takes over the brain’s thought process. And when your brain is thinking about the answer to a question, it can’t contemplate anything else.”

In addition, innovator and strategist Neil Cooper writes, “We are hardwired to at least think of a response to the question . . . and we instinctively want to help. Our rational mind might . . . decide that we won’t respond or choose not to offer a constructive response. We might have been socially conditioned not to engage with the questioner (ever been asked for a charity donation in the street?). But our thoughts have already been shaped by the question being asked.” 

You may be asking, “So what?” [See what I did there – hah!]

Here’s why it matters for connecting with and influencing teens – even if they aren’t able to answer your question – or if they refuse to – their brains are still at work trying to answer it.

That means, whether you’re asking about their day, or questioning them about the choice they just made, their response doesn’t matter as much as the fact that you’re prompting them to think about it.

Guidelines for Great Connection Questions

Here are a few guidelines and examples for asking great connection questions:

• Make them open-ended (no yes/no options)
• Stay away from “Why” – it indicates judgement.
• Use “What” questions. Examples:
  • What is it that’s keeping you from . . . ?
  • What would it look like if . . .?
  • What would help you . . .?
  • What can I do that would be most helpful for you?
• Craft your questions to fit the circumstances – evaluate what information they can share that would be the most helpful. (For instance, understanding “why” your teen won’t stop talking in class might not be as important as having them answer “what would it look like for you to show respect to your classmates?” or “what can I do to help you make better choices?”)

Asking your teen questions is the first step to connecting – and obviously, we want to use questions to open our teens up, rather than grilling them like they’re under an inquisition.

After Connection Questions

Here are some guidelines on what to do AFTER you’ve asked your great connection questions.

• Don’t just ask the questions – ACTIVELY LISTEN when your teen responds
  • Use non-verbal cues like eye contact, nodding, and leaning forward
  • Don’t interrupt – listen to understand, not to respond
  • Clarify using connection statements:
    • what I hear you saying is . . .
    • It sounds like you’re feeling . . .
    • Help me understand . . .
  • Withhold judgment
• When your teens DO share with you, ACKNOWLEDGE their opinions
  • Affirm that you understand their ideas
  • Respond with empathy and validation
    • Again, using connection statements can be helpful
      • ME TOO!
    • Be willing to accept a different perspective
    • If you disagree, do so respectfully – and keep it to the big stuff, like ideas and values vs. taste

Troubleshooting Connection Questions

Doing things this way will probably take some practice – at least, it does for me. Sometimes it helps to start small and pick one time a day (or even a week) to thoughtfully use connection questions as a strategy.

I know we’ve talked about this before, but we all know our kids aren’t vending machines that we can drop a few quarters in and out comes what we want. So here are a couple of ideas for troubleshooting with this whole question strategy.

1. Timing matters – I know not to try to talk to my teens first thing in the morning, or right after school. But 11:00 pm seems to be their witching hour.
2. Previous conversations matter – if you keep asking the same things over and over, or you don’t remember something significant your teen has shared, that can be frustrating for your teen (I know this from experience.) If you’re not sure where something is on your teens importance-meter, ask.
3. The immediate outcome does not matter. Remember, their response doesn’t matter as much as the fact that you’re showing an interest. You’re prompting them to think about their values and beliefs, and just by asking the question, you’ve planted the idea in their brain that it’s something to be considered.

It’s helpful for me to remind myself that I’m in the long game here. I’m not aiming for immediate behaviors so much as lifelong values, skills, and beliefs.

Oh, in case you were wondering – my favorite movie in high school was St. Elmo’s Fire. 😊 There were several actresses in it: Demi Moore, Ally Sheedy, Mare Winningham, Andy McDowell.

For resources mentioned in this episode, head to theishgirl.com/ep62