Jun 21, 2019

Strategies to connect with a difficult teen who is shutting you out

1. Know your kid better than anyone else – and how they’ve changed
2. Know their “tells” – and respond accordingly
3. Be willing to wait
4. Try to create opportunities later
5. DON’T pepper them with questions – it might shut them down
6. If you don’t remember to go back to it – have grace with yourself!

Transitioning from a kid who told you everything to a closed off private kid is hard – sometimes you have to be okay with not knowing. Figuring out when it’s okay to not know is a tricky tightrope.

It’s okay to set boundaries about what it looks like to communicate what it looks like to not want to talk.

Strategies to connect with a difficult teen who is rebellious:

1. Let yourself off the hook
2. Take a step back and look at the bigger picture
3. Ask yourself if you’re creating a “push back” place
   1. Sometimes it’s “yes” – you must hold your boundary
   2. Sometimes it’s “no” – it’s not a hill your willing to die on
4. It depends on the kid – figure out their “currency” – what’s going to best help them understand the impact of their actions.

One “rule” for everyone (one size fits all) doesn’t really work – it’s a shift from having “rules” to having intentional “values” – it’s not so much about following rules as it is being a type of person.

It's Smart to Co-Parent with Intention 

It’s a great idea to sit down and define what your family’s values are – especially if you’re co-parenting.

When your kids reach their teens, your co-parenting relationships can shift, especially as things are stirred up in yourself (triggers, etc.) It’s healthy to figure out what you want your family to look like. Even in families where parenting was smooth and cohesive when the kids were young, there might need to be adjustments and intentional communications.

Talking with your co-parent before talking to your teens is helpful. When you’re not on the same page, teens can leverage that for their own benefit.

Teens are a much bigger part of the parenting process than younger kids because they have opinions and ideas about how things should play out.

Communicating beforehand sets you up to be the best adult you can be for your teen.

Cultivate Your Village

It’s important to have your ‘person’ – someone you trust, who you can be vulnerable with, who loves your kids no matter what. It’s also important to make time to spend with that person, as part of good self-care.

 Share the podcast with three friends this week - especially ones who might be dealing with difficult teens too!