Mar 29, 2019
I’m back after a week of traveling with my two teens over their spring break, as we toured colleges and visited family and old friends.
As we made our way across the Midwest, we heard bits and pieces of the scandal that was breaking – ironically – over parents bribing their kids into prestigious universities. I had plenty of time to think about the whole thing - driving 2,000 miles in a week does that for you.
As I pondered over the choices the indicted parents made, I began to connect some dots. Stay with me here, because I think there’s a bigger picture that we need to see – especially as the parents and teachers of teens.
Crazy-pants Parenting
Not long ago, I talked about the national trauma we experienced on 9/11. For that episode (#42), I reviewed a great young adult book that was set during the time period immediately following the tragedy.
I’m bringing it up because although it’s been almost 18 years, the fall out is still reverberating throughout our society.
If you have teens today, they were born either slightly before or slightly after 9/11. They’ve never really known a world without stringent airport security measures, talks of the middle east on the evening news, or all-too-frequent stories of terrorist attacks around the world.
And we, as their parents, have been raising them in a world that is significantly different than the one we were raised in.
It seems there’s a threat around every corner – from international terrorists and online stalkers to social media bullies and classmates with guns.
I don’t know about you, but sometimes, in the dark of a sleepless night, it’s enough to make me question why we chose to add more humans to the chaos. Especially humans who are, as the saying goes, my heart outside my body.
And then day breaks, and it’s off to the races of our daily routine.
It would be ridiculous to suggest that the events over the past 2 decades have not affected our parenting. The question is, are we aware of the extent it’s played a part in our decisions? And what are we doing to counteract it?
Because, if you’re like me, it’s easy to want to wrap your kids in bubble wrap and stash them in the basement to keep them safe. Of course, I’m being tongue-in-cheek, but really, looking at the news, it’s not that far off, is it?
When you have parents bribing their kids’ way into prestigious institutes of higher education, tales of wake-up calls so their college students don’t miss tests, and stories of bosses receiving calls from their employee’s mom and dad, it begins to paint a picture. And it’s not a pretty one.
When we parent from fear, it makes even crazy-pants things sound reasonable.
Your daughter doesn’t eat sauce on food? Call the school cafeteria to see what can be done.
Your son’s roommate issues? Call his RA to try to help work it out.
Cult of Personality Safety
Earlier this year, I was talking to my brother about the number of kids a couple of years older than mine who are staying at home for their first years of college – and beyond. We laughed because we were both hell-bent on getting out on our own, being able to call our own shots.
I voiced that maybe we made it too comfortable for our kids – they wanted to stay at home because it’s such a great, relaxing place. There’s nothing for them to rebel or chafe against.
He snorted – loudly, I might add, and said, “Riiigght, your supreme parenting skills are keeping them at home.”
I cracked up and told him, “Obviously that’s not what I meant!”
But I’ve thought about it a lot since. Truly, my sentiment wasn’t that Philip and I are such awesome parents that our kids don’t want to leave. It felt like something was eluding me. The more I’ve thought about it, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not about how great our home is. It’s about how safe it is.
As a culture, we’ve elevated safety above all else – and the result is the helicopter/snowplow/bulldozer parenting style that is plaguing us now.
We’ve swung to the extreme side of wanting to protect our kids, no matter what it takes. We intervene to spare them pain, to keep them from feeling rejected, less than or disappointed. We intervene to pave the way for them and create optimal circumstances for everything we can think of.
I’m going to take a step back here because I am definitely NOT referring to the serious issues teens absolutely need our intervention in – depression, thoughts of suicide or harming others, drug use, etc. Clearly, these are all things that warrant immediate and intensive attention. No, I’m talking about the over-involved, over-protective things that intrude on our teens' everyday lives.
And even though we want to be protective, I don’t know that we’re successful at it – actually, I know for a fact that we’re NOT. Sometimes there are unintentional consequences from our efforts. All this week my mind has been on those kids whose parents cheated them into their schools – I can’t imagine the identity crisis those in the dark must be experiencing. But that’s a show for another day.
Today’s discussion, the point of this rant of mine, is that we are doing our teens no favors when we put safety above all else. Because being safe means no risk-taking. When we keep our kids “safe,” we’re also keeping them from some really great things –the confidence that comes from problem-solving, the independence of figuring it out by yourself, the resiliency that comes from failing and picking yourself back up.
And let me be the first to say that I’m an offender in this too. It is all too easy to slip into this mindset when your primary goal starts with safety. Because, hello – school shooters and internet predators and terrorists, oh, my.
The problem evolves when it moves from just keeping our kids safe to keeping them comfortable – when it slips into friend drama and social media and mean teachers, oh, my.
There is a fine balance to this. We wouldn’t tell our 3-year-old to go play in the front yard on a busy street without supervision – and a set of healthy boundaries and rules. Neither would we let our 16-year-old drive to the nearest big-city venue with a friend to attend a concert at a bar. But we would let our 8-year-old play in that front yard, maybe while keeping an eye on them through the porch windows, at a distance. And we might let our 18-year-old senior go to that concert, as long as her GPS tracking was on and she called when she got there.
It’s all in the details, right? When we get too fixated on the bigger threats, the fears that run through our heads like chickens warning that the sky is falling – that’s when we lose sight of lighting the path to adulthood for our teens.
There’s an interview that Mike Rowe did – he’s the guy from Dirty Jobs – that really struck a chord for me. He talks to a reporter about the whole idea of “safety first” – how things have shifted in workplaces over the past few years, and how far from common sense things have gotten. The reporter, in mirroring back Mike Rowe’s ideas, says, “When you focus on safety first, you’re assuming someone out there cares more about your well-being that you do.”
Now, for parents, that’s something we do from the moment we first hold our children in our arms. Heck, from the moment we find out we’re expecting.
And I know I will always, always care about the well-being of my kids. But at what point do I turn that over to them? Because I want to make sure they understand that most people will NOT be looking out for their well-being. It’s their own job. They need to take responsibility for their well-being. They need to speak up for themselves, figure things out, and navigate a world that can often be ambivalent at best, hostile at worst.
How will they know how to do that if I keep intervening in the very circumstances that will teach them those skills? Which leads to another question: How do I know where the line is? When do I intervene and when do I NOT?
These are big questions. And while you are the only one who knows your teen, there are some basic guideposts that can help you find that line.
Guideposts on Your Teen's Path to Adulthood
As I go through the list, ask yourself if this describes your family. If not, it might be time for some adjustments.
- My teen is responsible for doing whatever they can do on their own. Examples: laundry, driving, organization/time management, schoolwork, planning school lunches (to make or to buy it), managing money for personal expenses like dates or outings with friends, putting gas in the car, making a meal on their own, doing dishes, cleaning bathroom)
- When my teen does not stay organized or manage his/her time, I do not jump in to rescue him/her. Examples: they forgot to bring a homework assignment to school, they forgot about an assignment and have to rush to do it last-minute, they don’t have a clean uniform for the game, or they haven’t studied for a test they forgot about and want to skip school.
- When my teen has an issue with a person of authority (or anyone else, really), I encourage him/her to FIRST speak to the person directly.
- We have laid out very clear boundaries for our teens. Examples: curfew, chores, attitude, respect – including treatment of siblings and other family members and behavior at school, academic work.
- When the boundaries we’ve set are ignored, there are fitting, effective consequences. Examples: loss of privileges like phones, electronics, time with friends; compensation for time lost (if you or someone else had to do their chores); reparation or apologies for disrespectfulness; monitored study time.
- I stay under my own umbrella and have taught my teens to stay under theirs too. (See episode 16.) We take responsibility for our own emotions, thoughts, actions, behaviors.
- We encourage creativity and appropriate risk-taking in our family. Examples: extreme sports like rock climbing, roller coasters, exploring new places, discussions about new ideas and theories, trying new creative endeavors like movie-making, art, writing, experiments, etc.
- When risk-taking doesn’t end the way, we wanted it to/expected, we frame it as a learning experience rather than a failure, and we talk openly about our unsuccessful ventures and attempts.
- In all the above, I am available as a resource/sounding board/support for my teen.
Seriously Crazy-Pants
Now, you may be thinking to yourself, of course, this is what I do with my teens. You might even be offended that I’m suggesting otherwise. That would actually make me very happy - I kind of thought that way too until I read another article that shares the results of a survey given to parents of 18-28-year-olds. It describes all the ways they’re still involved in their adult children’s’ lives. You can read the article for yourself, but I’m going to share a couple of stats with you here.
76% Reminded their adult children of deadlines they need to meet, including for schoolwork
74% Made appointments for them, including doctor’s appointments
15% Called or texted to make sure they did not sleep through a class or test
14% Told them which career to pursue
8% Contacted a professor or administrator to discuss an adult child's performance or grades at college
Okay, I am going to say that there is a huge difference between an 18-year-old and a 28-year-old, and I can understand that you do some of these things (like make appointments) for your kids who are still in college. But directing their careers? Being their wake-up calls? Not so much.
Again though, I cop to sometimes being over-involved in things my teens should be fully responsible. (Even as I write this, I just received a “remind” that my daughter has a biology test tomorrow.) It’s become a habit, being hyper-aware of every facet of my children’s’ lives.
Learning to release the reins a little at a time is a huge part of this parenting journey, and one I don’t always do well.
But.
It’s a conversation I will continue to have with my teens – because they are quick to tell me when I’m overstepping. Almost as quick as I am to tell them they need to step up and take responsibility in some area, like keeping their bathroom clean.
The Bottom Line
When it’s all said and done, what I truly want for my kids – and maybe this is the bottom line we should all be looking at – is for them to be good, responsible, independent, interdependent adults.
Figuring out what your bottom line is can help in making better decisions now. Looking at the guideposts and course-correcting is a much better option than looking back and wondering what could have been.
What is that bottom line for you? Where are you with the guideposts? Where do you fall when it comes to helicoptering or snowplowing with your teens?
I would love to hear about it – and there’s no judgment here, friends! Just a journey we’re all on. I’d love for you to reach out and tell me all about it – you can find me on FB or IG, or reply to this post.
I hope that you are enjoying your teens’ spring break, whenever that may fall! Ours was exhausting (from all the driving) and exhilarating (from our exploring and visiting) all at the same time.
Referenced in this Episode
How Parents are Robbing Their Children of Adulthood
Young Adulthood in America: Children Are Grown, but Parenting Doesn’t Stop
Mike Rowe – When Safety and Feelings are Priorities