Jun 26, 2020

WHY OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS?

When it comes to our teens, there is a big difference between telling them what they should do or think and asking them open-ended questions to gently guide them there.

I recently read a quote from Dale Carnegie that has really stuck with me. Here’s what he said:

“A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.”

I’m convinced, the older my kids get, that I’m not always that great at convincing them. In fact, any time I’ve ever tried to “argue” my kids into my way of thinking, it’s been an epic fail. They push back on principal alone. Which makes sense – I don’t know about you, but I definitely remember loathing it anytime my parents “lectured” me about anything. They’d get this certain tone my back would just go up.

A DIFFERENT PARENTING PARADIGM

So, I have to rely on the 2-Litre bottle method of parenting. Which is the visual I picture when I think about influencing, parenting, and teaching my teens all the values, ideas, and strategies I want to impart. It has to be one drop at a time, slowly dripped in over the long haul.

One of the methods I’ve found super-helpful in this dripping method is questions. Open-ended questions, to be specific. It’s a strategy my friend Tami Schow first introduced to me, and it’s something she’s brilliant at – in fact, a lot of what I’m sharing today, I learned from her.

PRACTICE ASKING OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS

I’m still practicing at asking great, open-ended questions, because my knee-jerk isn’t to gently lead my teens, hoping they come to the conclusion I want them to reach on their own. My default is to just tell them what I think – and that I want them to think that way too. Which is, as you can imagine, less than helpful.

Once Tami shared the magic of questions with me, I did a little digging. It turns out, the human brain is wired to answer questions. Whether we want to or not, questions burrow in and nag at us, and our brains work to answer.

Which means it’s a super-awesome parenting strategy – being able to nag in your teen’s brain without having to actually, you know, nag? Um, yes, please.

So, you know I’m kidding, but in all seriousness, it works. There are a couple of things to keep in mind, though.

THINGS TO KEEP IN MIND WHEN YOU USE THE OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS STRATEGY

Don’t expect them to tell you their answer.

Another piece of this that’s magic? Your teens will get to the same place, 9 times out of 10. Even if they don’t verbalize it.

And that is sometimes the rub – giving up the satisfaction of hearing them get there. Because a lot of times, your teens are not going to engage in a conversation about this with you – but if you ask the question, their brain has no choice but to work on it. You can be confident that you’ve planted a seed.

Like I said, magic.

Avoid questions with judgment attached.

Using pretty much any type of “why” question implies judgment. So do statements like “What were you thinking?” and “Where have I gone wrong?” Unfortunately, those can be the first things that fly out of your mouth – be sure you’re having grace with yourself as you practice asking great questions with your teens.

This only works with open-ended questions.

If it can be answered with one word – yes, no, fine, okay – then it’s not going to do the job you want it to do. One-word answers close the loop, so brains don’t have to do any more work to find a solution.

If you’re like I was in my conversation with Tami, at this point you might be wondering, “okay, what are some good open-ended questions?” Glad you asked! (And if you want to get a little meta – that was an open-ended question – hah.)

A QUICK WARNING

Here are some of my go-to's. And again, I want to make sure I’m giving credit where it’s due – my friend Tami (did I mention she’s a licensed counselor?) shared most of these with me.

And just a forewarning: as I made this list, I realized that a lot of these are questions to use in challenging circumstances. These aren’t necessarily “I want to get to know you better” type inquiries. If you want questions more along those lines, you can find them in the Referenced in this Episode Section, by checking out my freebie “Questions for Any Book.” There are some great ones there that you can adapt even without reading a book with your teen.

MY GO-TO OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS

Okay, back to these open-ended questions. Here we go.

What would it look like …?

… to create a study plan for the next test?

… if you were experiencing the same thing he/she is?

Help me understand …

… what you mean.

… how you’re feeling.

… what you need.

… how that’s helpful in this situation.

If you do                   , what might things look like (tomorrow, next week, in a year, etc.)?

… choose to skip school …

… torment your sibling …

… continue to lie to me …

Help me connect the dots between your (actions) and the outcome you wanted.

Another way to ask this is:

Walk me through               , one step at a time. How could you have gotten a different outcome?

What is keeping you from …?

… doing the work you need to do to get good grades?

… respecting the boundaries (at home or in the classroom?)

… trying out for the (activity) you’re interested in?

… being considerate to (classmates, family, etc.)

What is your plan for ...?

… making things right with (me, your teacher, your friend, your sibling)?

… keeping up with your assignments this marking period?

… creating better habits for yourself?

THE POSSIBILITIES ARE LIMITLESS

I’ve given y’all just a few suggestions on how you can use these open-ended questions, but the possibilities are limitless, and you can apply them to any aged teen – heck, even to the adults in your life.

With the right questions, you can guide your teens to the healthy values and beliefs you want for them without lecturing or nagging.

Which is a win-win as far as I’m concerned!

GRAB THE FREE LIST OF OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS

If you’re like me, this is a mindset shift that’s going to take some practice. For me, sometimes I struggle to come up with the right words in the heat of the moment. So, if you’d like a printable copy of these questions as a reminder, I’ve created an Open-Ended Questions Cheat Sheet for you. You can also find a link to it in my show notes, at http://theishgirl.com/ep85.