Feb 7, 2020

SOLVING PROBLEMS

One of the greatest things about teens? Things change faster than a revolving door most of the time. So whether you’re in a season of solving problems with your teen or everything is peachy, know that you are right where you are supposed to be. Truly.

Some of you might be in a challenging season right now. If that’s you, raise your hand if you’re thinking, “HERE? I’m supposed to be here, in this place where I’m miserable and my teen is too, and one of us is going out the window soon, and it might be ME?”

YES. Here’s why.

LIFE HAPPENS FOR YOU, NOT TO YOU

I believe that there is a rhyme and a reason for everything we experience. Whether it’s the rough waves of a challenging circumstance or a smooth stretch where everything is sailing along, or something in between, I believe that life happens FOR you, not TO you.

In this podcast episode, I share about a very difficult situation I experienced recently. It was an event that upended me and brought all my work to a halt.

While working through this tough situation, I had a lot of opportunities to walk in that value I mentioned – the “life happens FOR, not TO, me” one. Time and again, I had to intentionally CHOOSE to view my circumstances as an opportunity rather than a catastrophe.

YOU HAVE THE POWER TO CHOOSE

So, why am I sharing all this with you? I want you to know that you have the power to choose how to face any problem, challenge, or difficulty, too.

Just like I did, you can look at your circumstances and choose to act as a victim (Let me be clear. I DO understand that there are those who absolutely ARE victims. But if you have a CHOICE – ANY choice, even if it’s not a great one – then YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM.) So, you can choose to see yourself as a victim, or, you can look at those same circumstances and reframe them as an opportunity.

IT'S SOLVING PROBLEMS, NOT POLLYANNA-ING

I’m not talking about being a Pollyanna. It’s not about candy-coating what you’re experiencing or looking at things through rose-colored glasses. I’m talking about digging into the thing, wrestling with it, and benefiting from what you learn and how you grow. Embracing the discomfort and using it to propel you instead of resisting it and fighting against the pain of it. Using all of your determination, grit, and resources to keep going until you’re through the thing.

HARD ISN’T THE SAME THING AS BAD

I’m not promising it won’t be hard. In fact, I can pretty much guarantee that it will be very hard.

But HARD isn’t the same thing as BAD.

In fact, discomfort is the currency of change – especially good, healthy change.

Having said all that, it can be super-hard to not react when faced with hard circumstances. To stay in your “thinking” brain instead of reacting in flight, fight or freeze mode.

Believe me – my knee-jerk reaction to that email I got in November wasn’t pretty. But I was able to respond intentionally and reframe it into an opportunity. Eventually.

If I can do that, you can too.

SHIFT FROM SOLVING PROBLEMS TO CREATING OPPORTUNITIES

Here are the 5 steps you can use to flip those problems, challenges, or difficulties into opportunities.

1. Give yourself time to process. Don’t decide or do anything in the moment. As long as no one is in imminent danger, it’s going to be more beneficial to give yourself time to let yourself feel all the feels and then reign it in and decide how to move forward with your thinking brain.
2. As you move forward, lead with “this is happening FOR me, not TO me.” It takes some practice but reminding yourself that you’re not a victim, you are a responsible, capable grownup with choices, will get easier
3. Call in the cavalry. I’ve found that it’s super-rare for me to be able to handle problems, challenges, and difficulties on my own. Lean on your people for advice, help, or just a safe space to blow off steam when you need to vent. And get their take on things – the people who love us most often see our shortcomings with waaay more clarity than we do. Be willing to listen to their constructive critique.
4. Reflect. Seriously, journaling is what has kept me in forward momentum. There’s something about brain-dumping on a piece of paper – maybe the physicality of literally moving it from your brain, through your hand, to the paper? – that brings a peace and a clarity.
5. Carry on. You may need to rinse and repeat many, many times, depending on the struggle – um, I mean opportunity – in front of you. The best thing you can do is keep showing up. And remember, things change pretty quickly in the kingdom of teens. This won’t last forever.

Okay, friends, that’s my secret sauce for solving problems – any you might have.

Just remember: it’s happening FOR you, you can reframe it as an opportunity, and just keep swimming.

Until next time, remember, we’re all in the middle of it together!