May 29, 2020

TEACHING & PARENTING TEENS

When it comes to teaching or parenting your teens, have you ever caught yourself thinking – or even saying -  something along the lines of, “If you’d JUST (fill in the blank: be more respectful, do what I tell you to do, follow the rules, do your homework, do your chores, etc.), I wouldn’t get so (fill in the blank: angry, frustrated, disappointed, sad, etc.?)”

Yeah, me too.

Fortunately, I’ve gotten a lot better at stopping that thought in its tracks – because I recognize it for what it is. Which is me, trying to put what’s under MY umbrella underneath my teen’s.

STAYING UNDER YOUR UMBRELLA

“Under my Umbrella” is a visual that my good friend Tami Schow – who’s also a licensed counselor – came up with to explain what healthy boundaries are. The only things under MY umbrella are MY thoughts, feelings, actions, behaviors, emotions, beliefs, values, etc. Anyone else’s belongs firmly under THEIR umbrella. (If you want to know more about it, you can download the graphic in the Referenced in this Episode section below.)

WHO’S IN CONTROL HERE?

So, going back to my original question, you can see why that thought is flawed. Nothing my teens do controls what’s underneath MY umbrella. So even when they aren’t the respectful, obedient, rule-following, homework-doing, chore-finishing offspring I’d prefer, I am in control of all the things under our umbrella. You are too.

Which means our teens DO NOT CONTROL whether or not we’re angry, frustrated, disappointed, or sad.

We do.

If you’re like me, it might be a bit of a paradigm shift.

TEACHING & PARENTING TEENS FROM UNDER YOUR UMBRELLA

When you take responsibility for what’s under your own umbrella, it means you’re showing up as a grownup – not only with your teens but with everyone else too. You are managing yourself, and taking responsibility for what you believe and value, what you’re thinking, feeling, and doing, how your acting. Which can be a little scary, because that means you’re more vulnerable to being wrong, making mistakes, and having to make amends. It’s easy to put that off on other people, because, hey, it’s easier to blame someone else than to let the buck stop with you.

HERE’S WHAT IT TAKES

It requires a lot of humility to own everything under your umbrella. The flip side? Owning my own stuff helps me have a LOT more compassion for the people around me – because I know how I want to be treated when I own up to my messes, so it’s much easier to extend that grace to others.

I want to show up as the grown-up with my teens, so that I can connect with them, mentor and guide them, and model what adulting looks like for them.

3 FACETS OF TEACHING & PARENTING TEENS

There are a lot of facets to doing that - showing up as that grown-up for your teens - whether in the classroom or in your homes. You’ve got to know yourself, know your teens, and know your stuff. Here’s what I mean.

Know yourself

• Take an honest look at what makes you, you. What are your strengths? Challenges? Things that trigger you?
• When you’re well-versed in all those things, you can leverage what works and mitigate what doesn’t.
• For me, I know that my strengths are communication, compassion, teaching, enthusiasm, and spontaneity. My weaknesses are my pride – owning up to being wrong is often excruciating and shameful for me; perfectionism and being organized.
• I know that I’m triggered by out and out defiance – when my teens (or my students, when I taught) give me an outright “no” or refuse to comply, that pushes my buttons like nothing else. I’m also triggered by smaller things, like someone poking my arm to get my attention, or feeling crowded. That’s something I figured out as a teacher when students would swarm my desk and surround me. Ugh.
• Knowing these things about myself helps me recognize where I am in the moment so that I can respond thoughtfully instead of reacting

Know your teens

• Become a student of who they are. What are their strengths, challenges, triggers?
• Here’s a funny thing. I’ve found that with my teens, oftentimes my strengths are what triggers them. Let’s take teaching, for instance. Right now, here’s what I’m hearing from my 16-year-old. A LOT. “UGH! You don’t have to turn this into a lesson, Mom! I’m just trying to talk to you!” I had to reflect on that, and I realized she was right. In my mind, our time together is slipping away so quickly, and I want to teach her (there it is!) everything I can before she launches into the world. But I also need to be sure to just listen to her and enjoy our moments together.
• Another way my strengths trigger both my teens? My enthusiasm. I’ve gotten a lot of “You are so extra, Mom. You’re making too big a deal of this.” Ironically, they’re not just talking about negative stuff – they’re talking about the good things that happen that I get excited about.
• I have a feeling – or maybe it’s my wishful thinking – that these will be the things they appreciate about me later on in life. What I have to do right now, though, is walk a fine line between being me and respecting who they are and what they need from me. Curbing my enthusiasm might take effort on my part, but it also may open the door to my teens sharing more of their experiences with me. It’s a balancing act.
• Figure out their currency. Video games? Phone time? Time with friends? Know what will work to get their attention. Make sure there is a connection between what you’re dealing with and how you’re using the currency.

Know your stuff

• Gather all the tools, strategies, methods, information you can, and create your own “manual”
• Whether you’re a teacher or a parent, you don’t need me to tell you that every teen is different. And not only are they all unique, but they’re also all shifting and changing constantly. Which means that something you used to connect or communicate with them yesterday might not work today. That means that you not only have to know them as I talked about in the last point. You also have to be constantly on the lookout for ways to reach them.
• You have to create the manual for what works for you – the things that align with your values and beliefs – AND what works with your teens – the things that speak to them, move the needle, spark connection and growth. It’s about knowing the WHAT and being flexible with the HOW.
• Some examples: weekly dates, reading books together, a tool kit of phrases – “help me understand” or open-ended questions (can’t be answered yes/no/fine), strategies to get out of fight-flight-freeze, information on how teens brains develop – anything that helps you connect with, nurture, teach, mentor, guide your teens.

TYING IT ALL TOGETHER

When you can do these 3 things – know yourself, your teens, your stuff – you are showing up as the grownup your teens need. You’re taking the pressure off of them to be responsible for things outside their own umbrellas, and letting them be the growing, developing, messy adolescents they are. Which is HUGE. Because that means you’re letting them go through the process of figuring out who they are and who they’re not. Which is what teaching and parenting teens are all about.

DON’T MISS THESE RESOURCES

If you want to know more about that process, be sure to grab my free eBook, you can find the link to that below. I’d also love to invite you to the parenting workshop I’m offering in June. You can find all the details and sign up for that below as well.