The Confidence Trick

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Are you confident?

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Chances are that the answer to that is it depends.

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For many of us, it depends on the situations we find ourselves in.

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If we're with people we feel comfortable with doing things we know how to do, or

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we feel psychologically safe and secure, we're more likely to feel confident.

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If we're in strange surroundings with people, we don't know, maybe

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doing things that are new to us, or maybe feeling unsafe, we're

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far less likely to feel confident.

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Confidence is a key aspect of charisma, which is why I'm

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taking a look at it today.

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It is likely a topic that we will return to a number of times in the future.

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But it is the topic of this week's episode of Podfluence, so if you are looking

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to find ways to become more confident, more charismatic and to apply that into

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your personal and professional lives.

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You're going to enjoy this week's episode of Podfluence.

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some people seem to be confident, no matter the situation.

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And there are those who just seem to lack any shred of confidence at all.

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When it comes to influencing others, confidence is a useful thing to have

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because it's a very appealing quality.

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We tend to assume that confident people, are usually justified in that confidence

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unless they demonstrate otherwise.

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The late philosopher, Bertrand Russell once commented that one of the biggest

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problems with the world is that fools and fanatics are so sure of themselves whilst

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intelligent people are so full of doubts.

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I can't help, but agree.

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We now know, thanks to the work of Dunning and Kruger that people are often

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ignorant of their own shortcomings and we do have a tendency to think we're

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better at things than we really are.

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People who commit to daily learning at least have more of a tendency to realize

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and recognize how much they don't know.

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My next episode is going to be with author Lee Carter and Lee is an expert

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in persuasion and she has written an excellent book on persuasion in a

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world where facts don't seem to matter.

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There are so few new or original books on this topic that I certainly Sat up

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and paid attention when I read Lee's book, which she was kind enough to

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send me an advanced copy of, although it is out now and available to buy.

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We do buy into certainty to such a degree that we're far more likely to believe

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someone who seemed certain than someone who perhaps just lays out the facts.

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Facts don't move as emotionally.

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They don't create much response at all.

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But certainty does, no matter how wrong the certain person may be.

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This is one of the reasons why fear is so powerful as a social control mechanism.

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We don't usually rationalize our fears and they can end up irrationally

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controlling our behaviors until we find a way to approach them more rationally.

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I do have to wonder why confidence is not one of Robert Cialdini's

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seven weapons of persuasion when it is such an obvious influencer.

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Certainly it does relate to other persuasion tools like consistency

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and social proof and authority.

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But I'd be curious to know why he perhaps didn't consider it a tool by itself.

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I hope to get the chance to ask him that myself someday.

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Confidence tends to make people seem more attractive, get listened

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to more and seem more charismatic.

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I suppose it's how we're wired.

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Before human intelligence developed significantly, we operated more

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on instinct and survival mode.

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We didn't have the reasoning tools to argue a point or make a case, we

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went with our guts, with our instincts and emotions, because that was our

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best navigational tool through life.

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Whilst our brains have evolved somewhat and higher intelligence

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has emerged, we are not so advanced that we have left those emotional

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navigation systems behind completely.

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Probably we never will.

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A confident fool is far more likely to be believed than an uncertain genius, which

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is perhaps just another way of expressing the earlier quote from Bertrand Russell.

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Most of us lack the critical thinking skills to be able to see the flaws

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in our own thinking, or to be able to determine that our main sources

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of information are heavily biased and designed to maintain status quo.

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Probably the last thing any government wants is a nation of critical thinkers.

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And so we don't really get taught those skills in schools, or presented

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with balanced arguments in the media.

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We generally get told what to think and what to believe.

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And we often get slammed or even shunned if we dare to question accepted orthodoxy.

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I've never been, especially confident of my looks now, I'd go as far

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as to say that I grew up thinking myself to be very unattractive.

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These days, I can much less about such things.

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And I'm also wise enough to know that no matter what you look like, there's always

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people who will find you attractive and for all sorts of reasons, many beyond

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the superficiality of looks alone.

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It's hard to believe that when the media constantly bombards us with

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ideas of what is attractive and what is not, when people who may be carrying

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some extra weight are simply called ugly or become the butt of a joke.

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There is every reason for us to think that look some more important

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than they are, but only to a degree.

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Back when I was a flight attendant, I remember working with a German crew

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member who looked fairly similar to me.

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We were kind of the same build I would have classed as, as having

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a similar level of attractiveness.

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Although.

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I don't know if he would have agreed with that, but he had something that I didn't.

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Confidence and lots of it.

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Some may think that his confidence was unearned or unjustified.

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But he had it and I could see right then and there that it made him at least

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10 times more appealing than I was.

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Confidence and charisma are attractive attributes that people are naturally

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drawn to, which tend to make a person seem more physically attractive too.

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I think we greatly underestimate how much of a difference, things like

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confidence and charisma make to a person's perceived attractiveness.

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But if you've ever had the experience of walking out of the hairdresser or

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the beauty salon, feeling your most attractive self and catching yourself

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in the mirror, thinking, Ooh, I'm looking hot today, your whole energy

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and demeanor become more attractive in the very magnetic sense of the word.

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You may even start to notice more people looking at you,

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maybe even flirting with you.

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Marilyn Monroe talked about being able to turn Marilyn the movie star

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on and off as an energetic thing.

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And we could do something similar and we often stop ourselves from

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doing it because we fear what other people will think of us.

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She could keep her energy directed inwards and walk through a crowd of

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people without being recognized, or she could project it out into the

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world and watch crowds gather around.

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Here's how I like to think about confidence then; as something we can

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turn on and off situationally and quite probably should do so more often

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than we do, but we don't usually feel safe enough to do so without risk.

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I'm not suggesting you take the risk, except that's

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exactly what I am suggesting.

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Confidence like enthusiasm, should not be something we only get the feel when

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the external circumstances are right because otherwise it's purely conditional.

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How about instead, we give ourselves permission to act with confidence, have

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confidence in who we are and show up with confident, not arrogant energy.

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How about we take responsibility for being the cause of our own confidence

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and enthusiasm in how we show up each and every day rather than living

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in the external effects of people, environment and media, which may

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leave us feeling less than optimal.

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You know, I was watching YouTube this morning and I realized afterwards I was

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watching a video about some religious and political extremism in United States

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and I found it kind of terrifying.

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And then afterwards, I was asking myself, why did I actually watch that?

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Is it affecting my life right now?

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What I may be have been better off to have not watched 20 minutes of a

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video that was making me feel terrible.

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I think the answer is undoubtedly.

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Yes.

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I see the same thing on other social media platforms that I use.

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We get into habits of using them and we get somewhat addicted to using them.

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And yet, I think it's worth taking that time to at least question ourselves

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afterwards and ask, how did we feel?

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Has that benefited me in any way?

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Would I be feeling different or maybe even better if I hadn't spent that time

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on Twitter or Facebook or whatever it is, being made aware of some stuff that might

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actually be affecting you emotionally.

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One of the hardest things to do in life is to show up with good energy,

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confidence, and enthusiasm when life is getting you down or when the

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world seems like a horrible place.

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People will possibly think you're mentally unstable if you're not being

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ground down by life and stressed out by how terrible things are.

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Well, let them.

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Remember confidence is not about giving yourself permission to

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act like an arrogant a-hole.

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It's about giving yourself permission to speak your heart.

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To consider yourself a worthy the equal, even to those you perceive as having a

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higher status, and not holding yourself back with your ideas and participation

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in making things better whenever you can.

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It's more about letting go of the fear of others judging you negatively

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or making a bad first impression.

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More importantly, it's about giving yourself permission to shine the best

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of yourself out into the world without fear, without shame, without doubt.

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Confidence is a key aspect of charisma.

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And the more of it you can choose for yourself.

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The more attractive you will appear both personally and professionally.

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Mix this with the other key ingredients for charisma and you're well on your way

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to becoming a key person of influence.

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At the very least you will start to notice your voice being heard more,

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people paying more attention to you, and a greater willingness to speak

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up with your thoughts and ideas.

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But remember though confidence is not just in thought and mind.

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It can't be something that you just fake it till you make it.

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It must come through in your actions too.

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One of the fears that I think people have with confidence is self-delusion.

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And worrying that other people might start to think that they've got it

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all wrong and that everyone else may think that they're an idiot, whereas

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they think they're quite wonderful.

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In reality that doesn't seem to hold certain people back and they can

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still have great levels of success even with an earned confidence.

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We must understand that when we develop the skills of charisma,

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we become more influential.

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Even if we're wrong about stuff, people are more likely to pay attention to us.

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Think of all the people you may be aware of who have great charisma, who are very

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well-known and maybe wrong about stuff, maybe sometimes proven wrong about stuff,

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and yet their voices are heard much more because of who they are because of the

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elevated status that they have been given.

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And status is definitely an important aspect of charisma that we will take a

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look at some point in the future as well.

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Some key things to look at there.

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But for now.

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I want to leave you with this take action on confidence.

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If you can find at least one situation in your life where you could

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present yourself more confidently, work on that work on improving

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your competence in that one area.

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For me, I started doing that through public speaking and

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attending Toastmasters meetings.

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And I found that I became more able to speak confidently in front of people.

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More comfortable to do that, even to a point where I was able to get up and

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deliver a seven minute talk off the top of my head, complete improvisation.

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Something I never could have done without having developed

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the confidence to get there.

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So you understand, confidence is something you can and must develop if you are to

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become a charismatic speaker, presenter and podcaster or podcast guests.

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So that's it for this week's episode of Podfluence.

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I would love you to join me next week, where I, as I mentioned, my

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guest is Lee Carter, and we're talking about persuasion in the world where

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facts don't seem to matter anymore.

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Definitely a great episode to tune into I thoroughly loved Lee's book and I really

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enjoyed the chat that we had as well.

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I know you're going to get a lot of great value from that.

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I've been waiting to bring this to you for so long.

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Unfortunately, COVID kind of interfered with my plans last month, just as

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we were getting back in to relaunch and publishing regular episodes, I

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got struck down with the deadly bug.

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Thankfully I have pulled through that and everything is all clear and

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I'm very excited to be getting back into regular episodes of Podfuence.

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If you are not already subscribed to the show please do give us a follow.

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I've got some big plans for Podfluence in 2023.

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And we'll be releasing more details of that pretty soon.

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please do come and join us there.

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there too, as well as updates on each episode that comes out.

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For now wherever you're going, whatever you're doing, have

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an amazing rest of your day.