Guantanamo Baes
By Brian Bogart and Julian Goza
Guantanamo BaesMar 20, 2023
Poundin' Out Some Poke
Cuba’s got an AirBnB problem, we learn why the left hand is the Devil’s Hand, and RuPaul will sell you a copy of Hitler's Mein Kampf below market value if you’ll let him.
Cali Sober Birthday
The world's a minefield and we stepped on pretty much every one of them in this episode. All I know is we're both so excited to see what the Latin-influenced pagoda is going to look like at Cuba's new embassy in South Korea.
Two Birds, One Poker Chip
Get in the car, betch, it's our Jesus year! Brian gets a religious education, Julian spills some J-Lo tea, and Cuba may (or may not) be facing a cybersecurity attack. And it's still only February?
31 is a Millennial 18
Julian breaks down the parallels between the Cuban Revolution and the movie Saltburn. ***Fair Warning: This episode contains gratuitous spoilers to the film Saltburn***
The Santerias Yearn for Capitalism
Are we able to manifest our own conspiracy theories? Is this turbulent decade simply the dawning of the Age of Aquarius? And will there always be a market for Victorian period pieces?
Bonus Episode: You But Better
Morning, Sunshine. The Baes are honored to give you this bonus episode with the help of our friends at the "You But Better" Podcast. This episode, recorded from last year, features Brian as fictional athlete, Freddy "The Flow" Marrero (fiction being the only place Brian could ever realistically be an athlete). Give them a follow, why don't you? Do it for us, at least?!
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You But Better:
https://www.ybbpod.com/share
https://www.instagram.com/betteryouniverse/
Homo-geneous
Oh just hit play. The Baes are back and better than ever in 2024, what more could you possibly want?!
Livin' La Vida Rocha
Brian and Julian examine the life of recently indicted diplomat-turned-informant (or informant-turned-diplomat?) Manuel Rocha. Also, our year-end review and Julian's top movies of 2023!
Wilde Still Slaps
I'm selling out our decription this week to get y'all to come to our UCB show this Tuesday, 12/5 at 7 PM. Also, was Julian overly defensive during this week's World According to Jules? Or is it just me? Massive shout-out to Caroline Cotter by the way. We love y'all
Jacob Elordi's Stunning Handbags
Have we missed anything? Brian was in Egypt, Julian was in Texas, and we just wanted to make sure y'all are ok.
Football Psyops in America
Are we the real pigs for declaring war on pigs? Is it gay to be homophobic? Also, Brian and Julian discuss a story in the NFL that isn't Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce.
Also, we hope to see you at our UCB show on 11/27 :)
¿Por qué no la paz?
Aye yai yai...it's the Israel/Palestine episode.
Careful with the Honey Dicks in Africa
Is the US having a fun little coup moment cozying up to Cuba's burgeoning private sector? Is conceptual art officially over? And is it just us or is ever brunette these days calling themseles a "woman of color?"
I Won't Survive in the Slammy
The Baes are in the studio with one of our Bucharest Besties: actor, comedian, and writer Smaranda Luna, who explains why theater should be accessible to even the worst among us and why Drew Berrymore isn't as cute as she thinks she is.
The White Guilt Money Pit
How far is too far for a gender reveal party? Did the Great British Bake-Off bend their knee to the woke mob? Also, Julian repents for his false land recognition last week.
#NotAllPriests
Can Cuba's crackdown on public dissent give us a fun little Da Vinci Code moment? Is there anti-penetrative messaging in the Peter Rabbit films? Was the Desperate Housewives Vanity Fair cover one of the most iconic images of the Bush era?
Your Libra Moon is on Full Display
Are Austin an Palm Springs sister cities? Would you ever smuggle diet coke if it wasn't allowed overseas? Also, Brian and Julian playfully lose the thread again.
Fantastic Lady Quarters
Has mainstream culture become too gay? Or has gay culture become too mainstream? Also, Julian is forced to talk about sports.
The Episode of a Thousand Julians
What does an emerging private sector mean for the people of Cuba? Are Sea Otters to surfers what Orcas are to billionaires? And Brian learns that some gay literature is not for the faint of heart.
More of a Face Plantain
Should Cubans be allowed to play Jews on Broadway? Who do you call when you want to divorce your ghost husband? Who wins in a beauty contest between Antony Blinken and Hunter Biden?
What is this Beautiful Quilt I'm Beholding?
The Baes sit down with activist, Jordan David, to discuss his recent visit to Cuba as a queer delegate, why the mainstream adoption of Pride has all but erased its original mission, and why he does not find comparisons to Obama flattering (spoiler: war crimes).
I'm Sure the Locker Rooms Were Fun
Why is Cuba getting cozy with Russia again? We've been over this before! Also, we love big girls. Happy Pride.
JT Kelley: A Communist's Life
Resident Bad Boy, JT Kelley (@godsfavoritecomedian), chats with us about his time in the Austin Communist chapter and why today his primary political philosophy is more vacation days.
Julian Wants to be a Mermaid
Who understands the universe better between Stephen Hawking and Lana Del Rey? Is Elon Musk inadvertently bridging the gap between the US and Cuba? Oh yeah, and Julian wants to be a mermaid.
The Global Decoupling Episode
Who gets custody of Cuba in the International divorce between the East and West? Would Brian have had a longer career as a Go-Go Dancer if he had unionized? Is "The Bachelor" a Right-Wing Psy Op?
Meeting this Dark, Psychic Moment
Should Charlize Theron be elected Queen of South Africa? Will SoulCycle re-emerge after the collapse of Peloton? Also, did you know Che Guevara was a homophobic murderer?
The Holy Ghost Awards
Has Tchaikovsky made you orgasm in public lately? Were you once a cat in turn of the century Paris in a past life? Should Julian just say 'the hell with it' and become a juicy character actress?
Come and Take my Eggs Benny at Drag Brunch, Bitch
Has a charming bartender tried to sell you on Amway lately? Does Ben Afleck put on a telanovela voice when he speaks Spanish? And does anyone else feel kinda bad for the Christians living in LA?
Leopard Can Change its Gender but it Can't Change its Spots
Will Taylor Swift return to country music after her second presidential term? How many people did Pope Francis do the horizontal mambo with before he pledged his life to the cloth? And will this generation of aging ravers make good ear doctors?
¡Also, congratulations Dr. Jose Pablo Llongueras!
Fulfilling the Lana Del Rey Dream of Moving to the Midwest
Does voter turnout rate matter if there's only one candidate? Is Gwyneth Paltrow a menace on the slopes? And have you unknowingly harassed a pod of dolphins?
Los Problemistos
Who's the most spank-able nepo-baby out there? Did Pedro Pascal discover the legal alternative to methamphetamine? And did anyone else find the video of the Russian plane dumping fuel on the American drone strangely erotic?
Boy Meets Congress
Should anyone arrested for treason ever see the light of day again? Would Julian move back to Cuba if they had a Gucci store? Should Corey Matthews from Boy Meets World run for Congress?
You'd be a hell of a Wonk, bitch
Should we help children feel more welcome in prison? What do Pete Buttigieg and Taylor Swift have in common? Also, why all of us should carry our cup the way Jonathan Majors does.
Angela Bassett did the Thing
Why is Tekashi69 causing such a ruckus in Havana? Is the nickname 'Meatball Ron,' Trump's greatest contribution to American culture? And why are Mormons so good at pyramid schemes?
Benders at the Ramada
Is Nintendo the gayest video game console? Also, Julian makes Brian listen to the new Lana Del Rey song.
What do you mean, "You People?"
Does Michael Imperioli have the softest lips in Hollywood? If you don't have kids, should you make friends with people who have guest houses? Is faking cancer ever worth it?
The Chinese Spy Balloon Episode
What's that silly ol' Xi Jinping up to with this balloon nonsense? Will Elian Gonzalez be a fair and just leader of the Cuban people? Is Zara Lawson justified in thinking people should be allowed to talk in movie theaters?
To Kill a Hummingbird
Is it too early to start making Oscar predictions? How genuine is Spencer Pratt's hummingbird obsession? Was Ted Lasso written by an AI to strengthen relations between the US and Europe to prepare for war with China?
Jinkies!
Is Mindy Kaling's 'Velma' really a right-wing psy-op? Have you been eating more cookies for breakfast in light of this egg shortage? And should we open a club in WeHo and call it 'the Duchy of Cornwall'?
Music by BridgerPrix
Eat, Gay, Love
Julian is in the studio to talk about his trip to Egypt, the unfortunate truth about Nepo-Babies (that they exist), and give his hot takes on the latest news stories in a new segment we're calling "The World According to Jules."
It's gonna be a great year, people!
Intro by BridgerPrix
EP.9 I, ArtBot
Julian is back in the studio to go over his Top 10 list for the year and discuss the terrifying implications of the AI Art craze.
Pop Culture Update w/ Julian Goza
Julian is back in the studio to spill the tea on the dust that has yet to settle on Brangelina's separation. Also, mourning the loss of Leslie Jordan, and where's the best place to get a massage with no hanky-panky in LA.
Music by BridgerPrix
Thanks Obama w/ Neeraj Srinivasan
Neeraj Srinivasan ("100 Thousand Dollar Pyramid" and "Portlandia") visits us from Portland to talk about TV's first portrayal of a Black President, his evolving relationship with angst, and gives sound advice on what to do when you win 100K in a game show hosted by Michael Strahan.
Intro Music by BridgerPrix
Life Pivot w/ Jessica Burch
Copywriter, designer, and old friend from high school, Jessica Burch, is in LA on a business trip to learn about the technology that is going to take your job one day. She also teaches us how we can successfully change careers while juggling two kids and a mortgage.
Sorry for the delay, everyone, I was out of town and was really sick for a week when I got back but I'm feeling better now. Hope you like the new theme music.
Intro music by BridgerPrix (find them on Instagram @bridgerprix)
Emmy Review Spectacular with Quinn Lara
Big shot Hollywood man who works at the Starz Network, Quinn Lara, stops by to justify the atrocities the world witnessed at the 2022 Emmys. Also, what exactly is racist's latest beef with Middle Earth and King's Landing?
Don't Worry Darling
Brian's cousin, Julian Goza (Actor: "Barry") stops by the studio to talk about the infamous premiere weekend of the cursed thriller "Don't Worry Darling," and together, we answer the age-old question: Did Harry Styles spit on Chris Pine?
Also, does Sydney Sweeney deserve the backlash she's getting for her mother's MAGA themed birthday party?